Self Esteem is the Mother of Perception

Looking at you today, I can not begin to describe how differently I feel.

Your once flawlessly silken hair is frizzy, split ends sticking out like millions of tiny spikes. Your face looks haggard. The lines around your mouth pronounced themselves in the shadows of the florescent hallway lighting, and for the first time ever I noticed the dark circles beneath your eyes. What was once a shape I envied now looks positively twig-like, and the clothes adorning it look sad somehow - too big? Too old? You look like a 40 year-old woman trying desperately to look 30.

All of this on a day when I feel FABULOUS! My new hair cut is perfect, and my clothes are fitting better than ever. I feel taller, thinner and happier! My posture is strong and my head is high. I am on top of the world.

And you, are not.

I can not believe I ever thought you were better than I.

On journaling

I used to keep a diary when I was a little girl. I got my first one when I was 6 years old. A "chicken pox present" from my granddad - or so it said on the inscription. It had Holly Hobby on the cover and a lock on the side. I think my very first entry said something like, "having the chicken pox is a drag." Can't you tell I was raised by hippie parents?

Over the years I have had many journals: Gratitude journals, food journals, poetry journals (during the angst-filled teen years), feelings journals, etc. - most of them filled about a quarter to half way through.

It never fails. Every year I resolve to keep up with my writing, and every year I make it through February to the beginning of March then I give up. I get bored. I think, what's the use? But, because I make this promise to myself every year, and every year I resolve to be a changed woman, I also have to buy a new journal - as though that will keep me faithfully writing. So now I have tons of journals with virtually nothing in them.

When I want to write (which is often), I can't bring myself to write in an old, unfinished journal. It seems wrong for me to start a new entry today when the last entry was from 2003. Plus, I have this weird fear that after I die my children will find my old journals and figure that their mom was a loony who thought she could time travel. Call me crazy, but I want my legacy to be linear.

So I've started this blog to help me write more. I started a blog about a year ago, but only contributed to it a whopping three times. When I recently decided to give blogging another shot I contemplated going back to my old blog and breaking the "new journal" cycle once and for all, but after much hemming and hawing decided to honor my linear legacy commitment. That, and I like shiny, new things.

I don't know if I can ever be one of those people who finishes what they start. I certainly want to, but I have yet to discern whether or not my character lends itself to this kind of behavior. Hopefully this blog will help me out...